I have four kids that live at home and the majority of them struggle, and I mean struggle, to keep their rooms clean. Now, people that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. In this metaphor, my glass house is my own messy room.
As an adult with ADHD, trying to manage a household of little humans that also have ADHD, there is a mountain of unorganized, dis-regulated challenges to face. One must pick their battles.
I was recently in my son's room looking for something. It was difficult to locate anything amidst the piles of crafting supplies and dirty clothes. As I was sifting, I found the body of a glass dog I had given him for Christmas.
I was instantly upset that this cute present I had given him was now decapitated. My mind quickly lectured me on my obligation as a parent to teach my kid responsibility and showing appreciation through the careful stewardship of belongings.
Then I remembered a session I had with an adult client with ADHD. We were doing EMDR, focusing on memories associated with shame. The memory we ended up reprocessing was one in which this client got in trouble as a kid because a present they had received ended up on the floor and got broken.
I could hear their words as they were trying to process the shame they still carried.
"If you really cared about this, you would have taken care of it."
"I did love that item a lot."
"I got distracted and put it down without thinking."
"I forgot that I put it down."
"I couldn't find it."
Recalling this session helped me to put this broken toy into perspective. Honestly, I don't know how I would have handled this if I wasn't a therapist who has heard many stories like this one.
I share this story for parents who have children with ADHD but are not therapists. I have the (shall we say luxury) advantage of hearing about the trauma and shame that follows children into adulthood as a result of well-meaning parents trying to teach their kids about responsibility.
Understanding that it is not a matter of careless choice when it comes to cleanliness and the care of special items can help you navigate the issue with your children with more compassion.
Stay tuned for some practical solutions.
Yorumlar