We are hearing the word "boundaries" being thrown around throughout social media, demonstrating the entrance of Boundaries into the cultural zeitgeist. Often when psychological concepts become buzzwords, there can still be confusion around what exactly is being discussed.
In conceptualizing personal boundaries, I like to think about the literal fences that we put up in our yards to mark where one person's property starts and another person's property ends. Personal boundaries, however, delineate our individual comfort zones.
Understanding Boundaries and Why They Matter
Boundaries are the limits we set with ourselves and others to protect our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. They empower us to assert fundamental rights like saying no and rejecting unsolicited feedback.
In theory, boundaries sound great, but when it comes to actually setting up your own boundaries, things can get challenging, especially for those raised in environments where saying “no” was often discouraged.
Constantly saying "yes" without taking into consideration your limits can lead to resentment and exhaustion (Lee & Klein, 2021). If you find yourself tired and rundown, you might want to re-examine your boundaries, as healthy boundaries allows us to conserve energy, maintain healthy relationships, and avoid burnout (Brown, 2022).
Challenges for Religious Individuals in Saying No
If you are trying to be "Christlike", you may feel conflicted about setting boundaries, as there is often a cultural expectation to “turn the other cheek” and give without limits (Miller, 2019).
We should shift our perspective on boundaries from being negative to positive, as they are acts of kindness, both to oneself and to others, by ensuring clear communication of needs and limits. They are also an act of self-care and respect.
Why It’s Not Selfish to Say “No”
Self-Care as an Act of Responsibility: Asserting one's limits is not an act of selfishness but a demonstration of integrity and kindness. When you say "yes" when you really want to say "no", are you really being honest with yourself and others? Clear communication around boundaries is pivotal in fostering harmony with others as well as self-respect.
Avoiding Resentment and Burnout: Boundaries help people give from a place of abundance rather than depletion. It is better for everyone when people give with an eager and willing heart. Often when people hear similar notions of helping without bitterness, they criticize themselves and try to draw on already drained resources in order to "be better." In reality, this doesn't work. As the saying goes: You can't draw water from an empty well. The real answer to giving from a place of generosity instead of exhaustion is knowing and honoring your limits. Self-care can be seen as a form of stewardship of one's well-being (Doe, 2020).
An excellent book on boundaries from a religious perspective is Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
Setting Personal Boundaries within Relationships
Recognizing unhealthy relationship dynamics can be challenging, especially when manipulation and invalidation are subtly interwoven into interactions.
If the people in your life give you encouragement and space for you to embrace self-acceptance and authenticity, you are on the road to nurturing healthy relationships. Self-respect and emotional safety are critical elements for maintaining healthy connections.
Alternatively, anyone who discourages your authenticity, especially in favor of something that benefits them, may not have your best interests at heart. It's been said that the only people who will have problem with your boundaries are the ones who benefit from you not having any.
Identifying toxic patterns, such as forced power struggles and the invalidation of your feelings and experiences, is the first step in setting boundaries within relationships.
Once you have recognized damaging cycles within a relationship, the next step would be to determine your own wants and needs, and then how you would like that to be reflected within the relationship.
The next step, which many people find to be the most challenging, is to bring your clearly stated boundaries to the person who has been violating them. The idea of expressly stating what you will and will not accept in a relationship can seem bold, scary, and even presumptuous. It is important to remember that your feelings and experiences are always valid and everyone deserves to feel heard and emotionally safe in their relationships.
There is a very real chance that when you decide to enforce your personal boundaries, you will get some pushback. This can feel very uncomfortable, as many people are trained to stay away from conflict.
Conflict avoidance is oftened rooted in past experiences. Many individuals avoid conflict due to fear of negative repercussions that were often learned from previous toxic relationships.
We can choose to reframe conflict as a natural and necessary component of healthy relationships. Discussing differences are essential for growth and understanding. Healthy relationships do not always equate to the absence of disagreement.
A book that I, personally, enjoyed and felt helpful is The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People by Shahida Arabi, MA.
Practical Strategies for Setting Boundaries
Identify Personal Limits: Recognize emotional, mental, and physical capacities to know when to say “no.”
Practice Self-Compassion: Encourage yourself to view boundaries as healthy and not harmful.
Communicate Clearly: Use “I” statements to express boundaries, such as “I need some time to recharge.”
Saying “no” is a skill that takes practice, but it is worth the time, energy, and courage that is required to master it. Having clear boundaries promotes self-respect, improved mental health, and ultimately healthier relationships. Start small, be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that boundaries aren't selfish. Clearly defined boundaries are a mark of honesty and integrity.
Additional resources: Lolly's Candy Store of Emotions Podcast - The Power of Saying No and Embracing Authenticy.
References:
Brown, L. (2022). Boundaries and the self: Why we need to say no. Journal of Mental Health, 12(3), 214-230.
Doe, J. (2020). Self-care and stewardship: A Christian perspective on boundaries. Journal of Spiritual Health, 15(2), 98-104.
Lee, S., & Klein, R. (2021). Preventing burnout through boundaries: Implications for mental well-being. Psychology Today, 27(1), 123-140.
Miller, H. (2019). Navigating boundaries in Christian communities. Journal of Religious Studies, 30(4), 415-427.
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